Pressing On Toward The Goal: My Heart After Failing LAEs

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Taken during the EducationUSA’s Law School Fair in DLSU 20 April 2016

Apostle Paul said in Philippians 3:14, “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” This is the verse that I’m holding so dear in my heart after the recent Law Admission Exams (LAEs).

Background Story:

Ever since I started studying Legal Management in DLSU, passing a law school right after graduation would always be in my prayer list. I would pray, read the Bible, and fast for it. I dedicated 4 years of my life (and I’m still praying for it!) for a law school that God prepared for me.

I know very well that it is my calling to be a servant of my God and country in the Judicial Department. In a prophesy spoken to me a few years ago, God further revealed in me that “I’m angry of injustice.” It is true; I hate how injustice affects the lives of people. I, myself, know the effects of it. This motivates me to know the law even more. I was so sure about pursuing a Law degree.

Come January 2015, I, once again, prayed and fasted for God to reveal what law school I should go to. I honestly believe that through His small and still voice that I heard, “U.P. Law.” (Trust me. I was astonished too.) He didn’t exactly say that I will go there as a law student but He answered my question of, “Lord, what law school should I pray for?” However, as I spent time with Him over the last few years and asked regarding law school, God would only say, “Just pray for it.”

And I did, alongside with the people who have faith in God and in me.

 

Today:

Now, I already failed U.P. LAE and San Beda’s LAE. Both are respectable law schools and my only choices.

San Beda College of Law released their results first. I cried non-stop for half a day because of it. What can I do? I was disappointed. I knew I did well. I heard the lies of the enemy so clearly:

Stupid.
Idiot.
Worst student.
Worthless.
Hopeless.
Trash.

Oh, those words stayed in my head longer than God’s comforting words! My spiritual family and friends comforted and encouraged me in my distress. Most importantly, they prayed for me when I couldn’t.

By His grace, I got over it after a few hours. The tears stopped coming out. I was able to receive His joy. I was surprised by the strength that I developed through it.

Two weeks later, U.P. LAE’s results came out. God, with His incredible humor, broke it to me gently about my failure.

It was a Sunday night when I saw a post with names and people were congratulating my acquaintances. I thought the names were for Ateneo LAE; I was checking who passed within my circle of friends until I realized that it was a list for U.P. LAE. I panicked and shouted, “THIS IS FOR U.P. LAE. I DIDN’T PASS U.P. LAE.”

Astounded; it took me a week to understand what happened. Yes, people were able to talk to me and I was in a mellow mood for days. I was physically and emotionally fine. However, Saturday came and I broke down in front of my Bible study group (DGroup, as we call it).

I realized that I was hurt – by God. It was hard for me to admit that I cannot fully trust God anymore. To me, instead of seeing Him as a promise-keeper, I was starting to see Him as another person who breaks promises. I also felt like I couldn’t rely on Him anymore because I believed in His promises as I surrendered my plans, and look at what happened. I was bruised by wrestling with God. I was tired.

His light enriched my darkened heart and mind as He spoke through my DGroup. Revelations poured out. One of my favorite quotes from my sister in Christ during that time was “What if God is more glorified in your pain rather than in your success?”

From then on, I stopped whining.

 

Lesson:

When God commands, do it. Expect nothing in return but do it because you love Him.

I learned the hard way. I wasn’t able to see that my dream of becoming a lawyer has become an idol for me. I expected so much from His promises and forgot why I was praying for it.

I do not know why God allowed this to happen or what I should do right now as I wait for His next instructions but I’m grateful. I’m thankful for everything. I wouldn’t know what strength is until I didn’t see my name on the lists of LAE results. I wouldn’t appreciate the people who truly waited and stood with me as I prayed and took exams. I wouldn’t understand rest if the anxieties of the future didn’t bother me. Lastly, I wouldn’t be able to comprehend and experience more of His wonderful character without this incident.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego when they were about to be sent to a fiery furnace by King Nebuchadnezzar who ordered everyone to bow down before his gods said, “If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” (Daniel 3:17-18 ESV) I pray that my faith will be like theirs; that even if God wouldn’t do anything about my requests, my faith will not waver.

LORD, You are good. I thank You for Your crafty works in my life. 

 

Thank you very much for reading!
Love,
Dana A.

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